Word has reached us from India, (ah, how well I remember my time there with the good old 91st Punjab Lancers.. I recall that once out on patrol up the Kybher Pass I shot a tiger in my pyjamas. "How did a tiger get into your pyjamas?" I hear you say...well don't be silly; one can't go to bed with a naked tiger, that would be most improper!) that at long last recognition of the inherent evil of goats is spreading and more importantly, they've alerted me to the link between the goats and the British ruling family. See:
10.55 Sunday, 29 April, 22 degrees and sunny
The following is an extract from the long lost, and hitherto considered mythical, Book of Michael, one of the pseudo biblical books for some unknown reason excluded from the normal canon. Its authenticity is considered by some to be in question since it was the only one of the Dead Sea Scrolls, discovered in 1947, written on a PC.
The Book of Michael
1.i And it came to pass in the town of Pal in the land of Eochora that the men did rise up with one voice and cry, ”We want an election for we haven’t had one for some time and our wives grow much weary.”
1.ii. So, in the following Octember, an election was had by all and the old king was challenged by am would be new king who did promise mightily to improve the well being of the people of the town of Pal in the land of Eochora.
1.iii. “I will make you wives and daughters fertile and your land beautiful1,” he did promise. And he, like the old king, was from the Malaka people.2
1.iv. So the new king did get his election and some of the people of the town were much given to celebration and happiness.
1.v. Throughout the winter they did celebrate with free music and dance in the kings palace while those of the tribe Hotelier3 did sit in the background and mutter mightily for they had been mighty in the forces arranging to get the new king elected, albeit by 6 votes.
2.i. Then in the spring of the following year those of the tribe Hotelier did approach the new king and say unto him “So, what are you going to do for us?”
2.ii. And the new king did think and declare that he would beautify the town of Pal in the land of Eochora and make it such that hordes of foreigners4 would descend upon the town bringing with them great wealth and many fair maidens and youths to entice the sons and daughters of the town of Pal in the land of Eochora.
2.iii. “I will dedicate 50% of my workforce to a tree planting initiative” quoth he.
2.iii. And so it came to pass that 50% of the kings workforce (Dimitri) was ordered by the king to plant trees upon the sandy beach so to beautify the beach in the sight of the people and attract hordes.
2.iv. And on the second day after Easter5 Dimitri did labour mightily all day upon the sandy beach in the warm sun and did plant 12 palm trees, 30cm high, alongside the promenade. And he saw this was good.
2.v. And while Dimitri did labour mightily in the warm sun on the beach, the other 50% of the king’s workforce (Costas) did labour with his mechanical ass JaCoB and his mighty shovel and did dig a hole in the middle of the main street to try to repair, for the fourth time in a year, the water main.
2.vi. And on the third day after Easter the king did say unto Dimitri “Well done thou good and faithful servant, I hope you remembered to install the automatic watering pipes6 under the new palm trees.”
2.vii. And Dimitri did reply “Oh, Goat excrement; I knew there was something I forgot to do!”
2.ix. And so on the fourth day after Easter, Dimitri did toil again upon the sandy beach in the warm sun and dig up the 12 palm trees and under them lay an automatic watering system and then did plant them again. And he gazed upon his work at the end of the day and was again satisfied.
2.x. And also upon the fourth day after Easter, Costas and his faithful ass JaCoB did labour up to their knees in mud to fix the broken water main for it had rent asunder in the night in a different place form that where Costas had fixed it two days before.
2.xi. Lo, upon the fifth day after Easter then people of the tribe Hotelier did come onto the king and address him with words of scorn and derision.
2.xii. “You tosser.” they did say onto him, “You have got your servant Dimitri to plant palm trees along the sea front which will grow mightily up into the sky and block the beautiful sunset views from the from of our tents, thus causing the hordes of foreigners you promised us to flee from the town and forever spoil the prospects of our sons and daughters.”
2.xiii. “Oh Bollocks” said the king and did call again for his faithful servant Dimitri.
2.xiv. And so it came to pass that once more upon the sixth day after Easter, Dimitri did go forth into the warm sun on the sandy beach where he did dig up the 12 palm trees, place them into metal boxes to restrict their growth, and then replant the trees. And he was well pleased with his labours.
2.xv. And Costas was well pleased for the water main had not broken for 48 hours.
2.xvi. And the king was well pleased and the men of the tribe Hotelier were as well pleased as they would ever be, at least for the time being.
3.i. Now it had come to pass that following the new kings election the elements did generally look kindly upon the people of the town of Pal in the land of Eochora and the winter was mild.
3.ii. But the wind was under the control of the evil goat7 who did cast envious eyes upon the people of the town of Pal in the land of Eochora and did determine to cause them much grief and so sent a mighty wind to assail them; so strong did the wind wax on occasion that for some time the people of the town of Pal in the land of Eochora did watch with dismay as the sand from their fine sandy beach did fly off in the general direction of the land of Libya.
3.iii. On the seventh day after Easter, the men of the tribe Hotelier did gave upon the sandy beach with its new, stunted, palm trees and did say onto themselves “ Verily, this is a fine sandy beach but is it not distinctly lacking in sand?”
3.iv. Then calling upon the new king they said onto him “Where is the sand for our sandy beach?”
3.v. And the king did say “Leave it to me and I will put half of my workforce to work on the problem.”
3.vi. And the king did say onto Costas “Go forth with your mighty ass JaCoB and move the sand from the large sand dunes where it has drifted at the wall at the back of the beach and place it along the beach to cover the rocks and make the beach look even more attractive than it currently is.”
3.vii. So upon the ninth day after Easter, Costas and his ass JaCoB did labour mightily in the warm sun all day upon the sandy beach and move the sand from the large sand dunes where it has drifted at the wall at the back of the beach and place it along the beach to cover the rocks and make the beach look even more attractive than it had been.
3.viii. And, at the end of a warm day on the sandy beach, Costas gazed upon his labours and saw that they were good and considered that a day labouring in the sun on the sandy beach was better than a day in a trench trying to fix a broken water main.
3.ix. And as he gazed upon his labours the king did come onto him and say “Well done thou good and faithful servant, I hope you remembered not to disturb the new palm trees and automatic watering system that your brother Dimitri had installed in the sand dunes at the back of the beach which you have now levelled.”
3.x. “Oh Bollocks” said Costas, gazing at the remains of 12 small palm trees in their growth limiting boxes and various bits of broken automatic watering system pipe work scattered along the length of the sandy beach.
3.xi And Costas wept.
1 Possible mistranslation….might read: “I will make you wives and daughters beautiful and your land fertile”
2 At least we assume so from the fact that many of the voters were heard to remark something on the lines of “Why bother, they’re both Malakas.”
3 The other main tribe in the area at that time was the “Greenhousites” known for their habit of hibernating in large plastic tents throughout the winter.
4 Mostly from the tribe of “Tourist.”
5 “Easter” a movable feast celebrated by the consumption of vast quantity of grilled lamb. Quite what the lambs think of this manner of celebration is not known.
6 An “Automatic watering system” at this time consisted of a length of plastic pipe with holes pierced in it at appropriate points along its length, preferably in the vicinity of the plant to be watered, one end sealed and the other connected to a tap which was turned on for 15 minutes each morning.
7 The Evil Goat features widely in the folklore of the town of Pal.